CATHERINE: Warrick ... you know, the thing that makes a fantasy great is the
possibility that it might come true. And when you lose that possibility ... it
just kind of sucks.

CATHERINE: Warrick ... you know, the thing that makes a fantasy great is the
possibility that it might come true. And when you lose that possibility ... it
just kind of sucks.

i haven't updated in ages. because i haven't been free in ages.

it's been more than a month since i've started working again.. and although the responsibility of the job is 10x less than my previous job, it still takes up a big chunk of my time...

anw, my exams are in 3 days' time.. and i'm busy mugging.

told myself to finish biz law by tonight, but doubt i can cos i got distracteddddd! haha.. :( i need to finish my summaries by tonight at least. 5 chapters to go.

need tomorrow and wednesday to prep for econs paper on thursday.. i think i am lousy at econs. i'm so frikin worried..

and i havent started on accounts.. which worries me since paper is next tues. like no time to start like that. so scared....

.. God is listening after all!



he just went to bed. unfortunately the house still reeks of cig smoke.. and the place is a mess......



i really need him to be out of the house.. permanently..


...i hope he finds a job like damn soon, that hdb approves his stupid house damn soon.. either that or hope that he will go back to where he belongs - in jail..


people, not every ex-convict deserves the kindness of the yellow ribbon movement ya. singapore government should give life sentences to repeat drug offenders lor... i rather the taxes i pay go towards keeping these freaking shitheads behind bars.

my law lecturer says prison environment is actually pretty comfortable.. i think sg prisons need to lower their standards a little cos i dont think criminals deserve to live better off than some poor old folks who live in destitute conditions!



on another note, work has been tiring. my job scope is that of 2 persons. cos another girl left. it's a struggle to study and work at the same time. i am exhausted. and unhappy. and worried. and i have wrinkles.

i am 22, going on 92.

argh i am so pissed again!

......... stupid asshole is watching stupid music videos on tv at a HIGHLY AUDIBLE volume! it's already 12.30am... people need to sleep, need to study, need to rest.

stupid music videos are in a foreign language (not pleasing at all to the years), and tunes suck.. and even if they didn't, he shouldn't be listening to it at such a loud volume, and so late at night!!!!!!


bloody hell.


sometimes (like right now), i'm damn pissed with my mom also. she's so useless, dunno how to tell him off one.. it's like she treats him better than me, which is so wrong since i AM her daughter, and i don't smoke, drink, take drugs or do dumb things like what he does..

i know she's been tossing and turning in bed since like an hour ago when she went to bed.. thanks to the music. but she's not doing anything abt it lor!

argh..

....the idiot is even whistling.. and beating the remote control to the rhythm of the stupid songs..


argggghhhhhhh. i just want him to leave my house! i have been feeling imprisoned ever since he moved in!! and my exams are drawing near.. i can't study with a stupid shithead like him ard..

all my laundry smells like cigarette smoke.. my house doesnt smell homely like it used to!! there's so much i bottle inside that even if i wanted to rant now.. i duno where to start and how to list it all down!!!!!!!

the frustrated of trying to articulate these feelings sometimes drive me to tears.. thank god for the bf...


.....i want him to die. 100%, with all my heart. under normal circumstances, it would be so wrong to want that of another human being.. but he is not human lor.. there are so many things he does that show he dun give a shit about anyone except himself.. and my stupid mother can still treat him this nicely until he reeli think my hse is his hse!!!


...i so badly want to rent a room outside but after calculations.. i will only just barely be able to make ends meet each month.. with little/no savings!!!

i am so torn.. havent been happy at home for the longest time.... which is why i don't go on msn, or contact any friends.. cos i'm so pekchek that i don't have the mood to socialise..


maybe it's maslow's.. my basic basic basiccc needs like security and the necessities are not being met right now.. socialising is hardly my top priority alr.. i am so sorry friends..


..........if there is a god, why won't he help me?????

don't bother to read this if u cannot tahan complains, other people's life problems and that sort of stuff...

2nd day of work today and i'm already pretty tired. i have other activities after work everyday of the week.. and i have v little time to revise. it's eating into my sleep time..

tues & fri i get back at about 1030. bathe and eat and clear my mails then sleep.

mon, wed, and thurs i get back at about 840. bathe, eat, clear mails and other misc stuff like laundry and chores, and i have about 1 hour left to study..

but these 2 days (tues and today), i've 'eaten' into sleep time and decide to study till 12.

i'm supposed to finish all my accounting assignment today but i don't think i have enough time.. not because i'm blogging, but because there is just simply not enough time...

....


for the past few yrs, i always wondered if i'm slightly depressive or just generally pessimistic..

i am having major problems at home. some problems in r/ship. and major problems with myself. i feel sad and frustrated all the time. and i think of dying many many times a week. i've been this way for the past few yrs. suicide is always on my mind.

just think life isn't v worth living anymore. there's some to live for, but even more than i don't want to live with..

i got a job not merely because of money, but because i want to get away from him...

i have not watched tv, sat in my living/dining room since he came back, or leave my room for more than 1/2 hour a day (when i am home) since he came back.

i feel like a prisoner - physically and emotionally.

..feel like nobody in my family gives a shit what i'm going through.. they think it's nothing, just me being fussy. but it's more than that. and they don't care.. i've proof of that but it just hurts too much to type here.

unfortunately i am pretty cowardly. i don't dare to take my own life cos i don't wanna be handcuffed after i've died. that's why sometimes i hope i die in my sleep or sth.

.. it's like what they say.. ppl don't value life when they have nothing left to lose. it's true in my case. on top of that, i feel like no one values me.

the only validation i get are from good grades and the bf. so ya, i've nothing left to lose. except the bf. and a handful of friends i treasure (duno if they feel the same?). somehow my family doesn't matter much to me.. other people cannot understand why i feel like that..

sigh..

..will go back to my studies.. and then to sleep..

..and tomorrow, i will plaster on a smile and laugh with my colleagues like my life is normal, and like i am happy and full of life.. and as usual, nobody will see that i am already dead inside...


if u tag, and i don't reply, it's not that i don't like u/can't be bother or what.. it's just that after posting, i don't check my blog.. cos i don't want to have to read what i typed again....

haven't blogged in a while. i'm always like this - whenever i feel troubled and frustrated i run away and hide and try to avoid human contact. wonder what happened in my early life that made me like this. hehe..

school's been tiring. the usual 2 times a week has become 3 times a week.. and there's 1-1.5 months left before my exams.. and it's crazy cos i haven't done econs, or law, or accounting before.. everything is so new to me..

..and cash supply is getting low imo.. so i've found myself a job. after about a month of searching (i also duno why so hard to find a job!).. i start tomorrow.. temp-ing for a telecommunications company we've all heard of, famous years ago for free incoming calls hehe..

and i've ballooned beyond my heaviest weight.. it's depressing man!

i can't imagine how busy i am going to be from now on.. juggling work, school and exercise on weekdays.. cos my weekends are devoted to the bf and family.

..i'm going to miss the afternoon sunshine i've been enjoying these months.. and the freedom to do what i want, whenever i want...

...guess the plus side is having more money to shop with.. hehe..

...ahhhh.. so nervous about tomorrow. hopefully the job is as easy i expect it to be. or else i wouldn't have enough energy to study when i get home...

"All of a sudden, I feel like I'll be apart from my best friend and lover. My feeling have been so conflicted. On one hand, I know I should set him free, but on the other hand, I can't help but feel some anxiety because I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't want to be the psycho GF that checks his email/facebook/phone record/hire a private investigator to follow him around, but then again, I don't really trust anybody. I know how some girls can be very....direct and desperate. They will do whatever nessesary to get what/who they want. A lot of you might be asking: "Doesn't he give you the sense of security? You still don't trust him after almost 5 yrs?" I'm worried BECAUSE he's such an awesome BF. He's been the perfect boyfriend: attentive, gentle, yet sometimes spontaneous. Even though he's been 120% devoted the entire time we've been together, I'm afraid other girls will see it and want to get their hands on such a wonderful BF too."


Someone managed to put into words what I felt about you.. If only I knew how to explain this 5 years ago, perhaps things would be different now. But it's somewhat too late. Too much has changed.

It's just like a broken vase. You can glue it back together again, then break it, then glue it back again.. It will hold its shape and its colour.. and from afar it probably looks really pretty and normal to people who don't know it's broken.. But when u get up close, you see the vase has cracks, and u see the glue connecting the cracks.. and it's like, just this damaged thing. It's a real waste...

I don't know if i should tell u. I dont know if u would understand. It might just further complicate things..

...I'm so tired....



..gotta leave the house in a while.. -sigh-

haven't posted here in a while. basically cos life's screwed. have been having problems in all aspects of my life.. and i did what i do best - hide and solve the problems by myself.

yah, i withdraw whenever i have problems...

anyways this new term is quite the killer. i have no idea what's going on in law and econs. sigh.. i somewhat regret this course. ah well. make the most of everything in life, no?

i just received the results of one of last term's paper. funny how they mail the results subject by subject to our house. wouldnt they be saving the earth and costs by mailing all the results together in one result slip? sigh. anyway first grade is an A so i'm happy :) waiting for the other two grades.

also took another step that i've been contemplating for the longest time.. thanks to my aunt who made it possible.. big commitment for me.. i hope my determination doesnt wane..

..still feeling miserable over my r/ship. it's not all a mess though.. there are many aspects that i'm thankful for.. at the same time, there are many things i'm sad about.. i just wanna take my trusty eraser and erase all the bad bits from my memory...

i remember how much less stressful everything was 9 years ago.. the problems were all so stupid in comparison to those we go through now.. but i still love him. i know he still loves me.. it's a deeper love now with a stronger bond.. -shrug-.. yes i'll probably marry him..

.....how did i let things get this way?? sigh...


down down down..

BUSINESS LOGIC
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get anything.
But your attitude should be positive

What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, 'I am very rich. Marry me!'
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, 'He's very rich. Marry him.'
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, 'Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me.'
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
'By the way, I'm very rich 'Will you marry me?'
That's Public! Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, 'You are very rich, I want to marry you.'
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, 'I'm rich. Marry me'
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

SOME PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO PASS DRIVING IF THEY CAN'T DRIVE LOR!!

..esp when other people, who CAN drive, are constantly failing becos they not as pretty or sexy. they shld make the driving testers women, then wun be so biased towards looks.. i think?

this is a very shallow entry hor. nvm.

why am i suddenly talking about this? becos i read this girl's blog entry. it goes like this:


"After that i drove back...
IT WAS A TOTAL DISASTER...
with all the posh cars surrounding and so many oncoming cars..i was naturally nervous and AGITATED..
then i did a super xia suay thing laa...
i strike a kerb..so i reversed..then i go forward again..and this time i din strike..i mount the kerb..wahzz..
i caused a big traffic congestion!!!..
then the cards sensed my superb driving skills and then reversed a way lot more than they should..
GREAT!!!...a lot space...haha..
then my stupid shirt kept dropping..and my hair was dishelleved ..
when i finaaly reached home i think i looked like i just ran a marathon..hahaha...
okok..stop laughing hor...i am trying reallllll hard le la..."


if after u pass driving, u still can MOUNT a kerb after STRIKING it.. and reverse too much in a congested area, then obviously u are not adept enough to have been allowed to pass lor! driving tester should be fired sia..

speaking of driving, i havent driven in about 1.5 weeks. feels strange. i look forward to it yet i dread it. but i think about it pretty often. haha.. i like being able to alter my course without having to factor in the available buses in the area.. in the car, it's like, if u want to go here, let's just go. dunid to walk to nearest bus stop, see what bus there is.. etc..

i was looking through the photos on my hp and was reflecting on all that has happened since i left my ex job. before and after leaving that horrible place, i felt like i was at an all-time low.

i started to 'recover' only somewhere in mid december. regained some confidence, some pride in myself. the photos from december onwards really showed a very happy me. this 'high' lasted all the way up till the last day of my exams. the night before my last paper, bad news came. The monster, who thankfully disappeared during the 2 weeks of my study break, finally came back home. I was so angry.. He couldnt keep his noise level down, and i couldn't study... I openly showed how frustrated i was. As usual, he didnt get the hint. I had to wait till he went to bed at 2am before i cld continue to revise for my 9am paper the next day. Needless to say, i was exhausted during the paper.

I came home that day to a house filled with cigarette smoke﹑ my favourite spot on the sofa occupied. I was so upset - i knew the nonsense wld starrt again... Whever he goes, he brings nothing but trouble... I went to my room and locked the door. turned on my air purifier (that i purchased long ago, partly bcos of him) and took a long nap. I didn't eat anything else that day.

I have spent almost everyday of the pastt 2 wks (since e end of my exams) locked in my bedrm w the purifier on. As of late, i've even resorted to using a large towel to block the gap beneath thebedrm door in order to keep the smoke out.

Becos i dread leaving e rm n getting myself exposed to tnd hand smoke, i've eaten less than a meal t tevery day. Ya i lost some weight, unhealthily, but that's beside e point. What mks me so mad is that he comes back n behaves like he has a right to be here, to live here. Like as if we owe him, when in fact it is he who owes us more than money itself can pay.

He is so inconsiderate. I mk an effort nt to smoke, and it,s gg to waste becos some shithead is filling e hse up w so much smoke tt my purifier is useless againsat it... He watches tv w the volume so high it mks me wonder if he's deaf. Sometimes i get woken up ine morning by loud metal music and his annoying whistling.

I've been irritated since e start, and i've openly showed displeasure. But he's so thick skinned... And my mum is just,... Ugh... She doesn't condone his bhavior and in doing so, i js know he thinks she accepts it.

How i long to kick him out of e hse. i never wishedd anyone dead as much as i've been wishing him dead these past 2 wks. Every morning i wake up to e thot of jabbing a shotgun at his neck, screaming at him for all his shitty mistakes, and finally pulling w trigger to finish him off. It's so wrong but it gives me strength to get thru e day.

The smoke is so bad that a2days ago, i've been having runny nose which has nw developed into a blocked nose full of thick yellow mucus. Thk my body is rejecting all the pollutants.. Lk overload...

Becos of this, i dare nt to leave my rm. I havent eaten anything since i woke up yesterday morning...

Js nw, i had to drink water so i reluctantly left my rm... Damn regret.. E hse dun even feel/smell like my hse.. I see e mess he left on e coffee table n i get so mad... Everythg smells lk cigarette smoke... Even the handtowels in the kitchen...

as if this situation is nt bad enough, i had to hit a new low in my relationship. I know every couple has their own probs bt in my relationship, i feel like i'm always e innocent party who is always in e dark... Tt's y i always tell myself tt if this 1 doesnt work out, i wun bother having another one unless god brings a guy to me... Right nw i js thk men are stupid and childish and weak. And tt most women are cheap, even more childish and very selfish.. Bt i wun elaborate on tt, too much to say...

Anyways, this two things hv made me very depressed..i'm also facing another 2 problems.. Also pretty major.. I wun even bother to explain.... Basically, It's lk i'm at the lowest pt in my life thus far..n i dun wan to share too much w anybody bcos i dun thk anybody wld fully understd these matters...


I thk if my situation doesnt improve in the next few mnths, i'm really gg to become medically (clinically?) depressed...

rite nw, i shld be sleeping.. Bt i cant slp bcos of my nose, my worries and the bad air... I dun even want to tell my bf anymore bcos i dun thk he can do anythg more abt these...

Thus miserable me decided to come blog on her hp... I havent been blogging bcos i told myself this blog is for happy stuff.. Bt there hasnt been anything happy lately, so there are no updates...

Anw typing a blog entry on hp can be v therapeutic... E screen so small it requires yr full concentration, so u dunn notice hw quickly time flies.... Amazingly, i've spent an hour blogging.. It's nw nnearly 5am...

i can see tt e sky is getting brighter.. I really shld try to slp... Alr nt enuf food, i shld at least hv enuf rest...

hv to go j8 tmr evening, hope it will be a pleasant outing... Thereafter meeting bf.. Hope it will be pleasant too...

sigh.....